The Shadow, a Cave, and The Light

It had been forgotten that I had this candle here where I may lay myself down. To be honest, I have felt drained and tired in the situation I'm in and it has weared me down to my bitter bones, no my soul. There was this trap that locked me in this cave which all I see is Shadows move, attempting to break me and bend me into someone I was not. Ah, this was a slow realization what the Shadow were doing and little did I know of whom they were.



Imagine you seem placid in this Cave, as if you never knew anything else and yet feared to venture out. What has happened is I have allowed the grip of fear of a new enviroment take hold of me and bare down my soul. There were elders or aquaintences, now those who I call friends where I go to do my labours warned me of my danger. Now the Shadow is seen and I know her name, her game, and her shame. This will be my outlet to say; when people have two faces to ask, does your other face have a smile too?



So the story started...



Upon my leaving of the military, I was a scared man, one lost in the wilderness unknown of the path before me. Longing for direction, strength dissipated from the loss of my mother, and what I needed to lend to my family. The struggle that I endured had left me in a position where I did not know where to go or what to do.



At the same time I was relieved, I could live a life set free of the shackles of silence. For I could now say, without fear of any great recourse not of my choosing. I am a gay man. Yes this liberation lifted my heart to make a journey that I never imagined I would do. Live away from all I know, all those I love, and have come to miss that tears bristle at the thought of it all.



What made me come here? A question proposed to me by my soon to be warden, why not come here? I thought Why not? I had been away from the snow for so long, the skills I specialized in were in demand there, let us make this trip! So, when I got there confusion had stricken, I wasn't employed quite yet and I had made it clear (or so I thought) I needed to know if I would be living with her, as a roomate. My warden said, yes have your stuff moved here. Yes we'll probably live together. All these words I trusted. In my stupidity I allowed my belongings delivered here. To this mistake, for I could have had it stored up to three months, I lost a couch and a prized desk given to me by my father. Later I would throw away a chair I had no room for. These belongings I had earned with a toil that some could not understand.



Yes I did this because I trusted and thought I had a friend with me. By chance, I was given a job within the first week of my arrival. Again I asked, for I forsaw a dangerous path lay, do we stay roomates? What happened before this should have given me no hesitation, not only had I given up great belongings but I was disturbed to find my work place bombarded by an Email that was tipped with a toxic venom my aquaintences at this time were appauled by without ever meeting her exclaimed to me to ensure I leave and get my own place. Instead of trusting them and my own instincts I hesitated and asked what my roomate wanted. She said she wanted me to stay. She even cautioned me that she thought our frienship would end. This to me at the time was so out or reach I couldn't fathom such a thing happening. How? We talk and we trust eachother, right?



No, upon sedation of my living here. Every attempt I made to converse with my roomate was thrawted by her own doing. With excuses that I let go by because I believed them. The audacity was even spoken when I was asked by her, "How come we don't talk like we used to?" Should I have then told her because when we talk you always pick up the phone for whomever they are and then proceed to tell me, oh you didn't even tell me we'd talk later, you'd just ignore me? You will turn to (at the time) my computer and ignore me? That the T.V. in which we both were watching held sway your attention that yes and no answeres were too much? The same could be said for even trying to do activities with her.



This was the end I could see. I started to seek my own place. A light was at the end of the tunnel and I meant to get there. The Light felt good on my skin too. But alas it was thrwarted by the company and I lost a chance. Though The Light still glimmered and I was given a phone call. A friend in Alaska, one whom I would intrust my life with and who I feel is my greatest companion that it would appear the prophecy we said in High School has proven true, we will always be friends until we are old and gray. Oh there's more to it but that is the essentials. Things had been changing for her and she wished to change some too. Racheal, my great friend, would take a similar journey. To this I will agree to and be deleighted to have her company. To this my roomate remakred, upon discovery of my (as I call) treachery that she wished for me to stay.



So, my quest to find another home began. To my surprise is a bit harder than I originally thought but I believe I have found where my new abode will be. But this is where I have been. Prisoner in a cave, held by a Shadow, and now I will seek the Light.